It's bad enough to be cock blocked in the first place, but to have said cock blockage perpetrated by a fellow writer is enough to send a guy spiraling into a life of alcoholism and bad porn with unshaven bush.Let me explain.
So, we're out doing guy stuff the other day. Nothing of consequence, mind you - just an irrational request from a friend who is about to get married, demanding the boys spend a day together doing guy stuff.
Where I come from, the aforementioned "guy stuff" usually just meant naked women, brass poles, and hard liquor.
This was not the case.
Apparently, the new definition of guy stuff is shopping, lunch, and bowling. In other words, shit that begs the question, "Why did I even leave the house today?"
But, I'm a good friend. And as a good friend, it's my responsibility - nay, my duty - to make the last days of one of my brethren as comfortable as possible.
Six weeks from now, when that poor sap realizes he's just signed away half his belongings and income in exchange for dwindling sexual return, I want him to at least have the fond memories of our escapades together to cling to.
Experiences he'll never be able to duplicate now that he's about to get married.
Anyway, that's not the point of this story.
We're out at a bowling alley of all places when out of nowhere this absolutely stunning girl and a little boy take the lane next to ours. She's 18. She's dumb. She's gorgeous.
In other words, she's perfect.
Without much prodding, she tells us how frustrated she is because she's stuck babysitting her little brother when, and I quote, "she can be out getting wasted and having fun."
Blood in the fucking water.
I slide over next to her and start chatting her up - completely forgetting about my friends. She's dumber than I ever imagined. She's even more perfect.
We talk for about a good half hour and compare tattoos. I'm in heaven.
Just when I'm about to contribute to the delinquency of a minor or whatever it's called and buy her a beer, she asks me what I do for a living. So I figure - why not, I'll try pulling the screenwriter card for my very first time ever.
If anyone's going to be impressed by it, it's this girl.
Before the words even finish coming out of mouth, my annoyed and soon to be married friend says, "Yeah, ask him how many actual movies he's written."
Cock blocking son of a bitch.
This, of course, leads to a series of questions that eventually ends with her asking, "So, you don't really do anything right now?"
Not really, no.
I try to defend myself and point out that he's never sold shit either, and he's been doing it for more years than she's been alive - while I've only been pursuing it since February.
But it's too late.
Instead of being the cool older guy with tattoos who was going to show her a good time once she ditched her little brother, I'm now the creepy old guy trying to scam on her.
I fucking hate my friends sometimes.
At least he'll get what's coming to him soon enough.
Marriage.
20 comments:
The guy is too good for marriage.
He deserves to have his balls fed to him out of the ass of a pre-op transsexual with a case of anal warts and a hemorroid flare up.
Why on fucking earth would anyone do that to a buddy? I mean I could almost forgive him if he was going to fuck her himself, but that shit is just uncalled for.
I hope you kicked his ass and then told his wife to be that he fucked a stripper at his bachelor party.
Ummmm, ok.
I'm having difficulty feeling sorry for your plight, here.
Because a girl is pretty and not so smart she deserves to be used?
I'd have cock-blocked your ass too.
Ummmm, did you read the same blog that I did? lol I don't seem to recall anything about someone being used.
Sounds like you need to hang out with my husband's friends. First of all, you wouldn't have been at a bowling alley. Second of all, everybody would have been rooting you on just so they could add the story to the rotation for the rest of your God given life.
And in their story, regardless of how it would have eventually ended, don't worry, you'd still be the creepy old guy trying to scam on an 18 year old girl with her younger brother. ;)
You're excited because she's young and stupid, yes?
And you just plan to have sex with her and then not call her, yes?
In my world that's called using.
Christina's right. You may want to rethink the creepy old guy hitting on teenagers persona. It's icky and from what I've read here, you're better than that.
We definitely have very different definitions of the term "using" then.
A one night stand is not "using" a girl. Forgive me for saying so, but it's a bit of a victim mentality to even suggest it is.
Plus, I'm only 29. My father is ten years older than my mother. There's nothing wrong with dating in that age range.
Um...but in my case I was actually being tongue-in-cheek. Or maybe that hits too close to home here. Ball busting? Oops. Sorry again. ;)
(Now do you all see why I don't write comedy? Real life lines don't even come off right.)
lol I know you were kidding, Christina. ;)
Well I'm not kidding.
I'm 29 too. I spend all day around 18-year-olds. I know how they are.
It's not that you were talking just about dating an 18-year-old. It's that you were gleeful over her stupidity.
There is only one reason a 29-year-old man wants a hot, stupid teenage girl who wants to go get wasted. Perhaps if you'd talked about her amazing maturity and itelligence I wouldn't be so critical.
Her experience level is very different than yours. What she knows about the world is different. And if she's going to learn about people taking advantage of her, let her learn it from people her own age who haven't yet perfected it.
Also, here's a quote: "blood in the fucking water."
You compared yourself to a shark.
You've admitted to being an asshole before, why balk at it now?
Jeepers, what's the big deal? I'm sure he would've gotten her wasted enough that she wouldn't even remember it anyway, so no harm would've been done. Right?
It's called "Comedic Voice," and for it to work, you have to escalate normal urges and thought processes to levels of absurdity. And you also have to tell "PC" to take a hike.
Otherwise it's just not funny:
"So there was this attractive female at the bowling alley, and I decided to talk to her. I found her conversation rather unpleasant, but felt--"
See?
Or maybe your comments were satirical and the joke is on me.
Emily, you know I like you - but we're going to have to agree to disagree on this one.
I'm not balking at being an asshole.
I'm just disappointed that someone I know and like is trying to shove their own morality down my throat.
If you step back and look at everything you've said - objectively - you'll see that's exactly what you're doing.
If for whatever reason you believe that strongly that a 29 year old guy shouldn't have sex with or date a girl who is 18 or 19 - then rally a group of women in Birkenstock's and cotton panties and protest or try to pass a new law that requires me to live my life to your standards instead of mine. :)
Oh, and for the record-
No, I won't quit smoking.
No, I won't stop eating red meat.
And no, I won't choose your God as my lord and savior.
I'm assuming Emily you had such an occurance when you were younger?
Some older man used his charms on you to wile you into his bedchambers one night by telling you he cared about you only to find him gone the next morning?
Guys are programmed to fuck. She was of age, and while dumb as a brick, if she could stand talking to IQ for longer than five minutes, she probably had the same idea in mind. All IQ had to do was play the game and he was probably guaranteed some action.
It's a long standing rule among the Man community you don't Cock Block. It's simply not done. IQ's friend broke the rule, and deserves everyone enmity. That's the point of the blog.
Don't hate the player baby...hate the game.
Ok. Whatever.
No, I didn't have that experience. But like every woman on Earth I have had men take advantage of me. Perhaps my feelings about this issue are caused by the fact that I'm a teacher and I know how 18 year old girls think and I see the results of men doing exactly the kind of thing you're talking about.
I'm actually kind of shocked nobody agrees with me.
Again, it has nothing to do with the idea of dating an 18 year old. Go back and reread your own post. You talk about how excited you are THAT SHE'S STUPID. That's all I need to know about the situation. You have no intention of forming a real relationship with this girl. She's an easy piece of ass to you.
I thought we were having a discussion. I didn't realize expressing my opinion was "shoving my morality down your throat."
But don't worry. I'll be sure to find your antics cute from now on or keep my mouth shut. Just the way you like it.
But don't worry. I'll be sure to find your antics cute from now on or keep my mouth shut. Just the way you like it.
lol That's not exactly fair. Funny, but unfair.
We are having a discussion.
I was just pointing out that it felt like you were trying to force your own set of morals onto me.
You don't agree that you were? Maybe just a little?
Do you know why a dumb girl is so appealing sometimes? It's because she doesn't over think everything. And that's not such a bad thing.
You have no intention of forming a real relationship with this girl. She's an easy piece of ass to you.
Again, what's wrong with a one night stand? Does it really make someone a bad person just because they have no interest in having a relationship with someone they sleep with?
I see you make comments about the guys in your apartment or gym with the perfect abs and what have you all the time. How is that any different?
You're objectifying them sexually just like a man would do with a woman - a dumb, cute, 18 year old woman.
I had a whole thing planned about my various points and then I went to sell yearbooks at lunch. The kid voted "most popular" spent a large portion of lunch reminding me that he'll be legal soon and graduated and we can go on a date.
I just don't even know what to say now.
Life is not without a sense of irony.
You gonna take him up on it? ;)
Eeew no.
I have no interest in an 18-year-old boy, no matter how cute he may be.
Althought to his credit he is cute.
But ew no.
I don't go out with anyone who can't legally buy me a drink.
It is just too funny that you posted this right now. I am working on a story about this type of thing.
My protag is like Emily. Outspoken. Calling for respect. Boy is she in for hell. My protag, not Emily.
Emily,
I think we need to remember who the real villain of this story is: the cock-blocking, douchebag “friend”. NO WAY he didn’t know what he was doing. He violated rule numero uno of the Guy Code, and frankly, if I was IQ, I would never talk to his passive aggressive ass again...or I’d sleep with his fiancé...if she’s okay looking...but she probably isn’t and that is why he delights in cockblocking.
Whether IQ's actions were moral or not, my Papa always used to say "two wrongs don't make a right."
Don't forget who is guilty of the real sin here.
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