Vegas, Baby. Vegas.

I occasionally have the need to play cards.

Sometimes this leads to problems.

Not long ago, my ex and I were at Commerce Casino here in Los Angeles playing some poker. Well, I was playing - she watched.

She also happened to be the only non-asian girl there at the time.

It's about four hours into my night at Commerce and I'm up about two buy-ins and complaining to Ruth (the ex) about the fact that I hate having to pay for drinks while I gamble.

She says, "Well, let's go to Vegas, then."

I laugh it off, because a twenty minute drive to Commerce is one thing, but a three hour drive to Vegas is another. Just as she's being all cute with her let's go to Vegas comment, a relatively attractive but very annoyed looking asian girl passes by and gives Ruth the evil-eye.

Ruth snarls at her, and I immediately respond with, "You should totally kick her ass."

And without thinking much of it, I go back to looking at what hand I've been dealt.

Now, I say those sorts of things all the time. They just come out of my mouth.

I rarely think before I speak.

Ruth, having had a few drinks in her, jumps out of her seat and shouts, "Game on!"

Instantly, I realize what I have done.

"No, no, honey. I'm only kidding," I try to get out. But it's too late.
She's already pointing at the asian girl and yelling, "What's your problem, bitch?"

I love me a feisty woman, sure - but not when I'm playing cards, dammit.

I reach around behind Ruth, and give an "ignore her and just keep going" wave to the asian girl as I try to commandeer her attention.

"Hey, you know what, baby? Screw it, let's go to Vegas!" I announce.
She immediately turns around beaming, "Really?"
"Yeah, let's roll." I say as I pick up my chips.

I'll take a three hour drive over dealing with the thirty Jackie Chan's the other girl came with any day.

We cruise into Las Vegas around 3:00am and I decide to not bother finding a comped room on the strip and go to the one place I know will give me a room any day of the week - The Fiesta in Henderson. It's a bit of a drive to any real poker action, but who cares, it's free.

We check into our room and go downstairs to continue drinking.

I had planned on putting Ruth to bed and heading over to play some cards at the Bellagio or Wynn, but she was feeling frisky and I'd been drinking far too much to even consider real poker at that point.

We ended up meeting a really gorgeous cocktail waitress, though - and just as luck would have it, she had the next day off and wanted to "hang out" with us.

Hang out. That's code for "What happens in Vegas, will get posted on my blog."

So we exchange numbers and head up to the room and start fooling around. We fall asleep a couple hours later.

Seven in the god damn morning the hotel room phone rings.

"Who the hell knows we're here?" I grumble groggily.

Ruth doesn't respond. She's not a morning person.

Immediately, my imagination starts running wild. That asian girl's boyfriend had to be Yakuza and they tracked us down. I'm going to have to move to the midwest and live under an assumed identity. I have a small panic attack but eventually pick up the phone.

"Morning, sunshine!" says the voice on the other end.
"Uh, hi." I respond, confused.

It was the cocktail waitress from the night before. Does she know what time it is?

"Hey, we barely got to bed like two hours ago." I grumble at her.
"I figured," she continues on like I hadn't even said it. "Listen I can't meet you guys at the hotel since I work there, but I figured you can come over here and we can head to Sunset Station or something together?"
"Yeah, sure. Later." I mumble as I hang up the phone.
"Who was that?" Ruth asks, but I'm already asleep again.

Just as I'm slipping into some really fantastic dreams involving an entire college cheerleading team, there's a knock at the door. I look at the clock and it's 10:00am, so I figure it's the housekeeping people. Don't they see the Do Not Disturb thingamajig on the door?

"We're sleeping!" I belt out.

There's another knock.

"I'm gonna stab this housekeeping person in the neck," I mumble as I get up to answer the door.
"Hey cutie!" What the fuck? It's the cocktail waitress from last night.
"Whoa," is about all I got out.
"I snuck in!" she says, as she invites herself into the room.

At this point, I'm a little freaked out. This chick is going to start boiling rabbits or something any minute now. But, I have morning wood and new tail is new tail, so I shrug and wake Ruth up and point to the strange woman in our room.

I don't remember her name, I hope Ruth does.

"Hey..." Ruth pauses, she doesn't remember the name either.
"Julie!" says the cocktail waitress as she kicks off her heels and puts her purse down on the dresser.

"Right, hey Julie." Ruth pats the spot on the bed next to her and smiles.

Apparently, we all had morning wood.