Saturday, May 12, 2007

Genuine Insanity

I'm sorry I've neglected my blog for a few days. We're wrapping up the first spec this weekend, and I've been caught up in avoiding doing the work.

That being said, I had to take a few minutes today and write about the first genuinely insane person I've ever come across. He is, without question, the most fascinating person I've ever seen on the internet. And that's saying a lot.

Come on, I'll give you a tour of his strange world.

I first stumbled across his post on the MySpace Film Classifieds.

Subject: selling comedy script to anybody with the money

click the green at

it's a comedy script that i wrote, that has been promoted on LATE NIGHT by Andy Richter, a while back.

i'm a java genius, and i can make it look like the audience is in the film.

--bulbo fish, that you've been looking for
Xxx Xxxxxx

currently i'm leading 4 mafias--should you need to know my background--Helios mafia is running your sun and the sky, the way i wrote it in java, i should hope to get some respect for my hard work

$50,000 for me, should be good enough for this script

That would get your attention too, right? The man effortlessly transitioned from his comedy script, to Andy Richter, and finally to being a java genius who runs four mafias. Oh, and he wanted $50,000 for his script.

Immediately, I was hooked. I wanted to find out more about this person.

So I checked his MySpace blog. This was the only entry:

just incase you, like myself, have discovered "ions" to be related to anger, do not run (ions--) this is the wrong thing to do. i'm a physicist that knows that the term "power" is with the large variety of atomic structure and to be low on this is to gain a problem from everybody not experimenting of talking ones voices, to fix this problem you should probably start of with "suck ions to tongue"

contact me if you need any medical advise, i can cure depression, i can fix hyper active nerves, i can rebuild brain, i can increase memory, i am the only variety of jackass, sorry, doctor, that is willing to do it for free for anyone of you, the brain is good when it is without air, air in the body is meant to disrupt clotage and evacuate parial matter (the weaker variety of matter)

i believe i've heard nothing smart from all variety of pyschiatrist i've talked with

list your problems in response, i''ll try to figure something out to fix things

What. The. Fuck.

I was momentarily stunned, but quickly hungry for more.

If his classified ad and one blog entry were this awesome - his script had to be the tits.

What I came to find in his 53 page script would change me forever. A glimpse into the mind of a madman. I would like to live inside this persons brain, even if only for five minutes. It's got to be fucking fascinating in there.

I picture it as a tangled web of jungle plants and overactors.

So I read his script.

Jim Carrey: I have a problem
Steve Buschemi: Give me the overview
Jim Carrey: My sister once groped my mom; I still hate her
Steve Buschemi: Hmm…what’s the matter, can’t share?
Jim Carrey: I rubbed your belly and farted; I wonder how you rubbing my belly helped you release that nasty aroma; it bubbled out in rainbow colors, does that help?
Street2: Yes, it’s funny you should say that... I'm so happy for you
Jim Carrey: Well, I’m not happy. …I’m going to go to a shrink
Steve Buschemi: Poor shrink

I needed more.

Jack Black: Ah, everybody likes a zinger… I’ve got one… how do you clean a vagina in a can?
Jim Carrey: I don’t know. How do you clean a bottled vagina?
Jack Black: I give it to your father
Jim Carrey: Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps…
Jack Black: Perch hats, perch hats, perch hats, get that fish off your head!
Jim Carrey: Yes, well, since I will no longer be hacking you or anyone else, I think I’ll have an ice cream and we can be on our separate ways
Jack Black: Nope. Ever skydive into a pool of blood?
Jim Carrey: Never

Holy vagina's in a can, Batman.

Just as I was getting into it - Tom Cruise and Faith Hill appeared.

A new scene appears at the beach with a bikini blonde

Faith Hill: Blonde…? No sharks on this end of the coast
Tom Cruise: Delightful. Hey, did you know I’m in a movie?
Faith Hill: Sure. And so am I, the camera is right there

If that weren't enough, our own Exquisite Emily made an appearance in the script.

Emily: I’m hungry
Jim Carrey: Join the club
Emily: Done, now what?
Jim Carrey: Pay me your dues
Emily: How about I pay you in doo-doos?
Jim Carrey: Whenever I think of feces, I think of monkeys throwing it
Emily: Is this normal?
Jim Carrey: You should think about poop. That's what my doctor tells me anyway. Saying random words isn't as good as saying synonyms in the word association game. Tube of meat?
Emily: Like salami?
Jim Carrey: Of course I do, that’s what I’d bring. I hope you have bread, I’ll spread mayo and meat between the pieces
Emily: Party hardy
Jim Carrey: You’ve got a party what? I wasn’t planning for anything social until you called
Emily: That’s OK. I’ll bring the party, you bring the hardy
Jim Carrey: Oooh-la-la

Oh, and apparently she's horny.

Bitch gets in his car, pulls out of the space, gets on the freeway, gets off at a seven-eleven, makes himself a (white) pina colada slurpee, pays, and leaves for home, then he gets a phone call from Emily, hangs up and looks down to put the cell phone away while pulling a u-turn, he slams the breaks, then hits the corner of a traffic light post

Emily: Hi, what is this word we call “sex?”
Jim Carrey: Word? Do you mean word like werd? As in hello?
Emily: Of course
Jim Carrey: I see. Werd
Emily: “I” like “eye?”
Jim Carrey: You damn well do!
Emily: No, what’s another word for sex?
Jim Carrey: Hmm… you want a “fuck?”
Emily: Yes, thanks, i want an orgasm
Jim Carrey: I’ll give you five
Emily: Could you imagine having five at once?
Jim Carrey: No, but I could imagine having a Supersoaker penis
Emily: You pump it then you fire?
Jim Carrey: I do. I have to refill the tank too
Emily: Hose in the ass?

In the words of Keanu Reeves. Whoa.

I couldn't put the fucker down.

I think he ran out of famous names towards the end, though - because by then everyone was just named Actor...

Actor: i got other large balls of ice if you want a cone
Actor: DUNCE!
Actor: "It's not an act of God," said Carlos Javage, whose son's car was wrecked by the mystery ice. "This came off an airplane."
Actor: acting good, the icicle looked much larger than a falic sculputure for it was not yet in the bat cave for
Actor: humungus humiliated spell checker
Actor: dead car, screamed the bat
Actor: smack dat
Actor: homer
Actor: doh



Emily Blake said...

Ok so now I'm terrified.

This script is written by the autistic lovechild of David Lynch, Charlie Kauffman and Robert Altman.

Jean-Paul Sartre is confused.

Riddley Walker said...

I think it's the bomb. How soon can we all pool our spare cash and raise the $50K?

Holy. Living. Fuck...

Mike Shelton said...

Quite strange, although I may have found one that tops it.

This script is so bad they locked the discussion thread for it.

IQCrash said...

Hey Mike - that link doesn't lead anywhere.

I'd love to read it if you can find the right link.

Anonymous said...

even if all those actors did cameos for scale the movie would still push $40 mill ha

Matt Hader said...

IQ -- the linked Myspace page is actually you're page, isn't it?

They have pills for what ails you, you know...

Mike Shelton said...

It's not working for you? Hmm, that's weird.

If you go to the SimplyScripts main page and search for "Battle Frogs" it will bring it up. The search box is near the upper right hand side.