Fuck Like a Republican

One night we're at a bar celebrating a friend's birthday at some hoyte toyte restaurant in West Hollywood, and I spot a stunning redhead manning the bar thirty feet away. "Happy birthday, I got you a gift" - I'm off to the bar with lightning speed. I sit down and order my first drink - something that has proven time and time again to instigate conversation - a liquid cocaine. Part Goldschlagger, part Rumplemints, and part Bacardi 151. The sort of drink that will put hair on your chest and impress women.

Well, the type of women I'm after anyway.

As expected, her eyes widened and she began to discuss my drink of choice with me. The conversation flowed pretty smoothly from that point on, although I don't remember much of it, except that she was a student with a dual major in Political Science and Philosophy. A braniac redheaded bartender with big tits - this chick was one step removed from being a stripper - a more advanced of the species, sure, but still within my range. I'm sure the rest of what she said was terribly fascinating and limitlessly engaging, but once she wrote down her number on that bar napkin, my job was done. I bid her farewell and rejoined my party already feasting upon seventy-five dollars a plate of something or another.

I waited the universally acknowledged three days before calling her, at which point I invited her over for some drinks and conversation.

She arrived at my house around eight that evening, and I was prepared. I had recently been recommended Nietzsche's Beyond Good & Evil by a friend of mine, and I'd made sure to pick it up before our date. I steered the conversation towards philosophy and politics, to give us common ground to dance on, and of course to provide me the avenue to demonstrate my smooth moves.

"So what's your philosophy on life?" she asked. The plan was working.
"Well," I said. "I like to use Nietzsche's Beyond Good & Evil as a foundation."
"How so?" She was intrigued.
"Nietzsche says that we need to move past what is considered "good" or "evil" by society, and instead, do what is "good" or "bad" for ourselves." I admit, I'd only thumbed the book.

It was clear I needed to work harder if I wanted to run a coup in her government.

"In other words," I quickly continued. "I do what is best for me while still trying to be a good person. I won't run anyone over to get to where I want to, but at the same time, I won't lay down for others either."

"Ahhh," she smiled. I was doing better.

My democracy would spread through her soil by daybreak.

"So now you take the foundation Nietzsche provides, and intertwine it with some Buddhist Path of Enlightenment - sprinkle on some Christianty for flavor, and you basically have my outlook on life." God, I was good.

I didn't know what the fuck I'd just said, but I could already see the next day's victory parade.

"Wow, that's so awesome," proclaimed the redhead.

Stick a flag in her, we're done.

"What about politics?" She threw a curveball at me.

College Student. Female. Political Science major. I knew what the right answer here was - I was a liberal democrat, maybe even a communist or socialist. Something was different, though. It hovered around her, like a scent. Sure, she'd have sex with me if I gave the right answer - but my nose was telling me I'd get the lay of a lifetime if I wasn't.

It was worth a shot.

"I don't admit this often," I stuttered a little for effect. "But I'm a Republican."

Her jaw dropped. In a good way.

"I've voted party line every year except in the last election." I was laying it on thick. "It's troubled me because while I'm a firm believer in Republican philosophies, I think our current administration has made a mockery of not only the party, but the country as a whole."

"So you're conservative? Like pro-life and all that?" She was a bit hesitant, but hungry for more.

"Not at all." I set her at ease. "I'm what you'd call a South Park Republican. We're socially liberal - like totally pro-choice, all for gay marriage, but we also stick to what is - or should be anyway - at the heart of the party. Smaller government and lower taxes."

She had heard enough.

We fucked like true Republicans that night, and it was all courtesy of the GOP. So thank you, gentlemen. I owe you one.