Monday, March 19, 2007

Choose Your Own Blog

Your name is Daniel, and you've been dating a girl named Ruth going on six months now. You like her, you think. She is definitely cute and has nice boobs. She is light years out of your league, but so are most women you date - this does not intimidate you. You're confident, successful, and well, arrogant. You have a way with both the spoken and written word, and can charm your way out of most situations. This is not one of them.

Oblivious to you, because you're not a woman, it is the six month anniversary of your relationship with Ruth. She's over for dinner and seems like she has something on her mind. This girl is antsy.

  • If you ask her what's wrong, proceed to 1.
  • If you wait for her to bring whatever it is up, proceed to 2.
  • If you're a sissy boy that actually kept track of the day you met and know it's your anniversary, proceed to 6.

1 - You smile at Ruth, but in the back of your mind you're rewinding the last twenty four hours wondering what you did wrong. Eventually, the wonderment gets to you, and you ask, "What's the matter, princess?"

She sighs in your direction, "Don't you know what day it is?"
"Sunday?" you ask back.
She rolls her eyes in frustration, "We met six months ago, today."

  • If you say "I thought you only kept track of these things in annual increments, not bi-annual?" proceed to 3.
  • If you say "Oh, is it?" proceed to 4.
  • If you say, "That's fantastic. Happy Anniversary, sweetheart." proceed to 4.
  • If you're a clever man and have a random present tucked away for just such an occasion, proceed to 5.
2 - You continue to watch television while waiting for the sushi delivery guy to arrive. It's obvious Ruth can't hold in whatever is on her mind any longer as she bursts out, "Happy Anniversary, asshole!" She's only half-joking. You are an asshole for not remembering.

  • If you say, "I know, baby, that's why I bought us sushi tonight to celebrate!" proceed to 7.
  • If you say, "We've only been dating six months. What anniversary?" proceed to 10.
  • If you just smile and nod, proceed to 4.

3 - "I'm being serious," she demands.
"I'm sorry baby, you're right." You've been in this situation before and know you cannot win.
"It's our anniversary today," she repeats herself.
"Happy Anniversary, Baby" you say.

  • If you try and give her a kiss, proceed to 4.
  • If you go back to watching televesion, proceed to 8.

4 - She gets a look on her face that you've never seen before. This is clearly her serious face. In fact, she's so straight-faced right now, you're wondering if she had botox done without telling you.

"Six months is a long time, and we spend almost every day together," she states for the record.
"We do spend a lot of time together, baby." You agree.
"And I love you," she says.
"Aww, I love you too, princess," you say back.

She still hasn't smiled.

"Don't you think it's time we took our relationship to the next level?" she finally gets to the point.

  • If you're just a tool who doesn't consider the ramifications, and ask, "You want to get married?" proceed to 9.
  • If you ask "What would be the next level?" proceed to 11.

5 - "Hold on a moment," you say as you walk into the bedroom.
A minute later you emerge with a beautiful tennis bracelet delicately wrapped and with a small card attached that reads, "I love you, signed Dan"
She blinks a few times and asks, "You remembered?"
"Of course I did, baby!" you lie.
She throws her arms around you and gives you a luscious kiss.
  • Proceed to 13.

6 - You pre-emptively announce, "Happy six month Anniversary!" You hand her a gift.
She blinks a few times and asks, "You remembered?"
"Of course I did!" you say, thinking you're the shit.
She smiles and gives you a kiss.
  • Proceed to 9.

7 - "You expect me to believe that?" she asks, annoyed.

  • If you pause and think for a minute then concede, "It was worth a shot, right?" proceed to 4.
  • If you stick to your guns and continue to pretend you remembered, proceed to 11.

8 - "That's it?" she asks angrily.
"What's it?" you reply.
"I tell you it's our six month anniversary and you go back to watching television?" she growls.
"I'm sorry, I said happy anniversary back. Did you want more?" You're a buffoon.
  • Proceed to 10.

9 - That is all that is said about the anniversary that evening. You have dinner and she heads home for the night.

For the next couple days, she is busy every time you get in touch with her. You finally get a hold of her on Friday and ask her what she's doing, she tells you she has plans.

"Plans?" you ask.
"Plans." she says.
Before you can ask about her plans, she interrupts you.
"Listen, I don't think this is going to work out. You're a wonderful guy, but there's something missing, don't you think? I'd love to stay friends, because I really think you're awesome - I hope we can be friends."
Once again, before you can speak, she interrupts you.
"But I have to run, maybe we can talk next week? I'm sorry." She hangs up.

Congratulations, dickhead. You have no idea how women work and fucked up a pretty good thing. Next time, maybe you'll grow a spine and the chick won't dump you.

  • The End.

10 - "You're clearly not ready for a serious relationship," she exclaims.
"But..." you start to say.
"I love you, I do," she interrupts you. "But I have no desire to be in a relationship with someone who can't even cater to my basic needs as a woman."
You just stare ahead in shock as the sushi delivery guy knocks on the door.
She gets her coat and purse as you pay for the dinner, and leaves after giving you a kiss on the cheek.

Better luck next time, champ. Look up smooth in the dictionary - it's what you're not.
This time next week she's going to be fucking some other dude. How you like dem apples?

  • The End.

11 - She springs it on you. "I think we should move in together."
You can barely restrain yourself from cringing, "Move in together?"
"Yes, we've been dating for six months now and we love each other. We should take this to the next level." she maintains.
"Uh..." you stutter for a moment.

  • If this chick is clearly moving too quickly for you and you decide to break things off, proceed to 12.
  • If you can't seem to come up with a response, proceed to 10.

12 - Bravo, my good man. Bravo. You have intuitively stumbled upon the fundamental solution to this situation. You're clearly not ready for the "next step" with this woman, and know that whatever clever stopgap you could have come up with would only be temporary - just delaying the inevitable. You break up with her before she breaks up with you.

  • The End.

13 - Congratulations, this evening you're getting laid like you haven't been since gradeschool. More importantly, you've cleverly adverted a potentially hazardous situation and are an inspiration and hero to merely average men across the globe. You'll still break up in a few months when this comes up again, but it'll be a fun ride until then.

  • The End.

14 - I know there was no option 14. It's only here to serve as the moral of the story. There is no right answer like there is no spoon.

  • Sometimes you're just fucked.

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